If you had asked me in 2017 what my favorite holiday was, I would have said Thanksgiving without hesitation. I loved being surrounded by family, giggling with my cousins, and cherishing those moments together. But if you ask me now, I’m not sure I have an answer.

So much has changed—losses, finding out about our sister, and everything happening with my brother. How do you decide to celebrate holidays after that? Sure, I get invited to friends’ houses, and I’m so grateful for them. But how do you create new traditions? Shouldn’t it be easier? Isn’t that what my mom would want?

I do know one thing: I’m going to my sister-in-law’s on Christmas morning. When she asked me, I cried. That’s the thing about abuse and childhood trauma—it makes it hard to believe that people genuinely want you around. For me, it’s still shocking that the people I consider family want me in their lives.