It’s thanksgiving. I am 44 years old. Today I did not go to my relative’s house because I have a cold. My fever 100 degrees. My day? I spent it sleeping off and, on the couch, drugged out of my mind with a joint and cold medicine. It is a gnarly pair, but it dulls the ache of the day. I texted 8 people today. The last of which was my group chat where I commented some fuckary about my older brother’s new family and he isn’t even divorced yet.

You get it. I am a mess. Here I am now putting it out there for the world to read. My thoughts are often an inner loop, and I do not like to share the loop. I never have felt safe enough to. But here is the thing, my older brother? He gets to do and say and be whoever he wants without any care for collateral damage. I feel like I am in between the shrapnel of my brother’s cheating on my sister-in-law, his drinking problem, and feeling betrayed from losing what I thought was a teammate in him. He has two kids. I would do anything for either of them. This writing tonight is me trying to get some of my loop out. Life is messy and complicated and although I do not share my perspective with most people. I do have one.

This story starts before my mom passed away. Although it is a big part of the story, an intermission of life before and after she was gone. The fact is when you love people so much even the before times feel recent. It’s complicated. Two of the texts I sent were to two friends who both lost their parents this year. Good ones. Not the kind 50% of mine were.

jb